7 Signs It’s Time to Walk Away From an Avoidant – Transcript

00:00There's a question that I get asked every single day and that's Ryan, how do I know when it's time to leave the avoidant? It is the hardest question that you might have to ask yourself. And it's not because you stopped loving them. It's not because you stopped caring for them. It's because the relationship is costing you your mental peace. You're losing yourself trying to earn love from an emotionally

00:26unavailable person. walking on eggshells, trying to avoid triggering them, trying to avoid causing them to pull away. You your identity, your confidence is all slipping away. And the person that you look at when you see yourself in the mirror is no longer the person that you were when you entered the relationship. And sometimes leaving them means gaining yourself

00:52back, not losing them. So today I'm going to talk about the signs of when it's time to leave this person, when it's time to choose yourself. So the first sign here, you've become the only one carrying the relationship. You're carrying the entire weight of the relationship squarely on your shoulders.

01:12Every repair, every conversation, every apology, every initiation of physical intimacy, every emotional conversation. You're not in a partnership anymore. You are in a rescue mission. And you're constantly trying to keep this person in the relationship. You're constantly trying to salvage a relationship. You're constantly trying to keep the connection alive, but there really is no

01:38connection. It's you now chasing and carrying all the emotional weight while they just avoid, stonewall, shut down, reap the benefits of you. They're getting your validation. They know that you want them, but they're giving you nothing but breadcrumbs at best in return. And that entire weight of the relationship, all that emotional burden becomes heavier and heavier and heavier

02:05the more you give, give, give and they take, take take and you really feel yourself just overburdened, carrying all that weight. That is a massive sign. Sign number two, they consistently refuse to take accountability. Nothing is ever their fault. When they shut down, it's your fault. You're pressuring them too much. You know, when when they if they do things like having affairs,

02:31it's it's your fault because, you know, you were just too needy and overwhelming and they just needed an escape. When they don't communicate, it's somehow your fault because, well, you know, it was it was you. You were just too much.

02:46Or it was work's fault. Work was too busy. Too much stress here. too much stress there or this bill was due and that was overwhelming to them. But there's always some sort of excuse as to why nothing is ever their fault. So, you know, everyone makes mistakes. Nobody's perfect. But the problem really isn't imperfection. It's when every conversation becomes your fault. You're too sensitive. You're asking for too much or they disappear instead of

03:12repairing. What this is on display is a person with something called an external locus of control. And this is one of the biggest issues with the dismissive avoidant. You see, a person with an internal locus of control knows that they are ultimately responsible for their own behaviors, their own choices, and regulating their own emotions. The person with an internal locus of control can look at an unhealthy dynamic and say, "Okay, what's my role? What did I

03:38contribute to this? How can I show up better?" The person with an external locus of control, well, everybody else and everything else is responsible for their choices, feelings, and behaviors. See, you made me do this is the mentality of the person with an external locus of control. Instead of saying, I did this wrong or I didn't communicate, for example, it's well, I didn't communicate because you were too much or because work was too stressful. It's

04:05never their fault. The responsibility is always blamed elsewhere. The reason why people develop an external locus of control is to avoid themselves, to avoid their shame, their insecurities. They don't want to feel that shame. They don't want to confront that shame. They develop the subconscious mindset of I must be perfect or I am worthless. And acknowledging any shortcoming, any fault to them is the emotional equivalent of confirming that worthlessness. I did this wrong. See, it's proof I'm

04:32worthless. Too painful. So if they are able to shift the blame to other people and other things, there's no reason to look inward. So they don't have to confront that shame, that defectiveness wound, the the worthlessness that they feel inside. But because of this, they don't learn anything from failure when it comes to relationships or emotions.

04:52That's why the pattern repeats and that nothing ever changes is because things only change when we look internally. So, if they're constantly avoiding accountability, there's no reason to think things are going to change because they're not. Change requires self-reflection. And the lack of accountability is showing you a person that does not self-reflect. And you cannot build a healthy relationship with a person that does not self-reflect or grow up emotionally. This is person

05:17who's likely an emotionally emotionally a child. And you can't have an adult relationship with an emotional child. So, if someone refuses accountability year after year, nothing changes. And when they're showing you that they're not going to change, believe them.

05:33Number three, you've explained your needs dozens of times. Not once, not twice, not 10 times. You've explained calmly. You've cried. You've written letters. You've begged. You understand what you need. And they understand what you need. They simply choose to not meet those needs. They simply choose to not show up for you. They know exactly what it is that you want, but instead of showing up for you, they choose something else. They choose to to engage

06:00in constant hobbies. They choose to go out with their friends and spend instead of spending quality time with you. They choose work over you. They choose everything over you. You are at the bottom of their priority list. And every time you confront them about your needs, regardless of how calm and nice you are, they always have some sort of excuse as to why it's not their fault or they give you lip service false promises but never follow through. This person knows exactly what you need and they're making

06:27the choice to not show up for you. This is a person that does not empathize with you. Empathy is a core component of emotional availability. the ability and the willingness to empathize with your partner, to share their emotions, the whole thought process of how do my actions impact my partner? How do I show up for them? Well, there's no empathy here because they're not considering your feelings. They're only thinking of themselves. What do I feel? What do I want? Me, me, me? You see, dismissive avoidance, they grow up with tunnel

06:54vision, right? Like blinders, like a horse has blinders. They were emotionally neglected in a profound way in childhood. And they learned at a young age that the only person that'll look out for them is them. So it becomes what do I feel? What do I need? Me. Me. Me. What's in it for me? And they just become so focused on themselves that they fail to see that other people have feeling and needs at all. And it's not that they're neglecting you for the goal of hurting

07:20you, but they're just not considering you. And showing up for you would be uncomfortable. And their entire nervous system is hardwired to prioritize themselves and preserve comfort. And that results in a lack of empathy. It may not be malicious in intent, but it's still a lack of empathy nonetheless.

07:38They're just choosing to not show up for you. Reason number four, you're becoming someone that you don't recognize. This is a huge one. Ask yourself, do I like who I've become? Are you now anxious? Are you checking your phone constantly?

07:52Are you walking on eggshells? Are you afraid to bring things up? Are you suppressing your own needs? Are you self-abandoning? Are you losing yourself? Are you giving up on hobbies? Are you giving up on friends? Are you losing your confidence? Do you have any confidence left anymore? Who have you become? Do you like that person? If the answer is no, you've lost yourself. And it only gets worse the more you continue to abandon yourself. The relationship is changing you, not for the better,

08:20because in order to stay in the relationship, it requires you to abandon yourself. And when you abandon yourself, you abandon the parts of you that you love. All right. Number five, you keep falling in love with the potential. The potential of them. Not the actuality of them, not who they actually are, but the potential. You know, the early dating version, the one that seemed emotionally available, the one that was all obsessed over you, the one that seemed to be just so in love with you, or the one that

08:47comes in little snippets when they give you breadcrumbs. You fell in love with who they could become, not who they actually are. Because who they actually are is an emotionally unavailable person that lacks empathy, that does not bond to a partner that prioritizes themselves at all times, that has deep insecurities and fears around intimacy. A person with the emotional capacity of a garden snail. Yes, a garden snail. In addition to that emotional neglect that they experienced in childhood, they had a

09:15critical, controlling, narcissistic parent that rejected and shamed them for having feelings and needs. So, they learned to suppress their emotions, stuff it down. Having emotions, it wasn't safe. Having needs, it wasn't safe in childhood. Vulnerability wasn't safe. And no one ever showed them how to process their emotions. No one ever showed them how to communicate about their feelings. They just learned to stuff it and put on a happy face and try to try to people please and earn external validation at a very surface

09:43level. Because of this, they never matured emotionally and they never grew their emotional capacity. So they do have the capacity of a garden snail. It is a rested development. It is an emotionally stunted growth. So you know the hope of who they could become is hoping for this person that they they never really were and really aren't to magically come into the picture. You know hope becomes the glue keeping an unhealthy relationship together. But

10:11what helps is accepting who they actually are. They the person they actually are is the one that doesn't choose you in a healthy way. that doesn't love you in a healthy way, that doesn't empathize with you, and a person that neglects you, that's who they actually are. When you accept that and stop holding on to the hope of who they could become if they did tons of selfwork that they're not doing, that they're choosing not to do, well, that really becomes a big part of letting go,

10:37right? So, if you're bonded to that version of them that isn't even real, that's a sign it's time to leave. Sign number six, and this is a doozy. This is critical. They have no interest in healing. Being avoidant isn't automatically a reason to leave.

10:51Refusing to work on it is. Ask, are they reading books? Are they going to therapy? Are they watching podcasts? Right? Are they doing coaching? Are they taking ownership? Are they trying? Are they showing you effort to change their behavior? Are they showing you effort to grow? Are they show taking accountability? Are they doing anything that is indicative of growth and an investment in growth? If they are not, if they're not trying, if they're not showing you a change in behavior, they're just expecting you to tolerate

11:19their behavior forever and hoping that you eventually just stop complaining about it. If they're not interested in changing, or even worse, if they're just saying, "This is the way I am." Believe them. They're not going to grow. And leaving at this point protects the most valuable asset that you have, your time.

11:35You can always replace money. We can always replace material items, but we all have a finite amount of time on this life. And by leaving, you're no longer investing your precious time into a person that is not reciprocating to you.