They Really Thought You’d ALWAYS Be Available – Transcript

00:00Nobody had a problem with you when you were saying yes. They didn't have not one issue when you were always available. They had nothing to say when they could call you and somehow you would figure it out. They need a ride, call you. Need some money? Call you. Need somebody to listen? Call you.

00:17Need somebody to fix something they should have handled 3 days ago? Somehow that's your emergency now, too. Your time was available. Your energy was available. Your money was available.

00:30Your home was available. Your peace was negotiable. And as long as you were willing to keep making their life easier, everything was fine. But then you started saying no. You stopped answering every call. You stopped dropping everything because somebody else failed to plan. You stopped fixing problems you didn't create. You stopped automatically volunteering yourself every time somebody needed something.

00:57And suddenly you're the problem. Now you've changed. Now you're selfish. Now you're acting funny. Now you think you're better than everybody else. Now it's I don't know what's gotten into you. Nothing got into me. I got tired.

01:13That's what happened. I got tired of everybody else's comfort coming at the expense of mine. I got tired of being the person everybody could depend on while realizing I couldn't depend on half of the people depending on me. I got tired of being everybody's emergency contact for situations that weren't emergencies. And most importantly, I realized something. Some people weren't upset because I changed. They

01:39were upset because the arrangement changed. Because when I changed, something changed for them, too. Now they had to figure it all out. Now they had to carry something. Now they had to hear my no. Now they had to experience what life looked like when I wasn't automatically filling every single gap.

01:59And baby, that's exactly when you start learning the difference between somebody appreciating what you do and somebody feeling entitled to it. You see, people can get used to almost anything, including somebody being good to them. And that's the crazy part. You see, something can start as, "Thank you so much." Then after enough time, it becomes, "I knew you'd come through."

02:24Then eventually, nobody even says thank you anymore because now it's just what you do. You're the dependable one. You're the responsible one. You're the one who figures things out. You're the one who keeps everybody connected.

02:39You're the one that people call when something goes wrong. And listen, there is nothing wrong with being that person. I don't want us turning generosity into a weakness. It's not. I like showing up for people I love. I like knowing somebody can call me and and if I can help, I'm going to help. That's a beautiful quality to have. But the problem starts when somebody stops seeing your help as something you're choosing to give.

03:04And they start seeing it as something that they're entitled to receive. You see, that's a completely different relationship because now when you help, there's no gratitude. There's no appreciation. But when you don't help, there's a problem. Think about that. The 99 times you showed up became invisible. But that one time you couldn't. Oh, they remember that. I thought I can count on you. Excuse me, you could. That's why you have 99

03:30examples. But apparently being dependable meant I was never supposed to have a day where I couldn't do it. And that's not appreciation. That's expectation. And expectation has a funny way of turning somebody else's generosity into an unpaid job.

03:48And this is where things start getting interesting because the longer you do something for somebody, the easier it becomes for them to forget what life looked like before you were doing it. You make the appointment.

04:01You remember the birthday. You plan the gathering. You lend the money. You pick the child up. You make the phone call. You smooth over the family argument. You check on everybody. You remember who needs what. You solve the problem before anybody even realizes there is a problem. And because you've been doing it for so long, your efforts start disappearing into the background.

04:27It doesn't look like effort anymore. It just looks like life. But no, you happen. Your efforts happens. Your time happens. Your thoughts happens. Your energy happens. And sometimes people don't understand that until you stop.

04:44And that's when everything starts falling apart. Now, nobody knows who was supposed to bring what. Nobody remembered the appointment. Nobody called grandma. Nobody made the reservation. Nobody figured out the transportation situation. Everybody standing around asking, "Well, what are we going to do?" I don't know. What would y'all do? Because apparently we never got a chance to find out. I've

05:11been doing it all. And sometimes you have to stop doing something before people can actually see that it was being done. Y'all remember the story of the little red hen? Nobody wanted to plant the wheat. Nobody wanted to cut it. Nobody wanted to grind it. Nobody wanted to bake the bread. But when the bread came out, everybody had an appetite. Now, isn't that something? You see, nobody wants the process, but

05:38everybody wants the result. And sometimes that's exactly what happens in relationships as well. People love the result of having you in their life. They love the support. They love the reliability. They love knowing somebody is going to come through, but they don't necessarily stop to think about what maintaining all of that cost you until you stop paying the bill.

06:03And you can learn a whole lot about a relationship by saying no just one time. Just one time. Because people who genuinely appreciate you may be disappointed when they can't get their way. When you can't help them, they might be disappointed. That's normal. Somebody can be disappointed.

06:20That's fine. They can be frustrated. They can wish you would have said yes. But there is a big difference between being disappointed by your answer and attacking your character because of your answer. That's where I pay attention because healthy people can hear I can't do it this time and figure something else out. But somebody who has become entitled to you, your no feels personal. Now you've changed.

06:45You're acting different. You only care about yourself. Don't worry about it. I'll figure it out. Okay, we'll figure it out. Because that's what I had to do every time you called me. I figured it out. And maybe figuring it out is exactly what you need to learn how to do because some people aren't really asking you for help anymore.

07:03They're informing you of your assignment. And when you don't report for duty, suddenly you're the problem. But no, a request has more than one acceptable answer. If I am only allowed to say yes, you didn't ask me, you told me. And that's when you have to start looking at the relationship much differently. Because maybe the issue isn't that you stopped being generous. Maybe the issue is that somewhere along the way they

07:28stopped recognizing your generosity as generosity. You see, and sometimes people genuinely don't know how much you're carrying. And I think that's important because not everybody is sitting around plotting on how much they can get out of you.

07:42Sometimes people simply get comfortable. Life develops a rhythm. You handle this, they handle that. Except somewhere along the way, you're handling this, that, those, these, and everything else in between. And because you make it look so easy, nobody realizes you're exhausted until you put it down. That's when people suddenly see the weight because now they have to pick something up. And this is where somebody watching this from the other side needs to pay

08:09attention. You see, if you have somebody in your life who is always there, somebody who always answers, somebody who always remembers, somebody who always figures it out, somebody who somehow keeps everything moving, don't wait until they stop doing it to realize how much they were doing. Don't wait until the person gets quiet. Don't wait until they stop volunteering. Don't wait until they stop calling. Don't wait

08:36until they finally say, "You know what? y'all figure it out and then suddenly everybody appreciates them. Appreciate people while they're still there. Help the person who's always helping everybody else. Check on the person that everybody calls. Ask the dependable person, do you need anything?

08:56Because sometimes the strongest person in the room isn't strong because they have unlimited strength. They're strong because nobody else has been picking anything up. And eventually their arms get tired too.

09:10And this is where people make a huge mistake. I see it all the time. They think because you're still doing it, you are still okay doing it. And those are not the same thing. You may still answer, but you're getting tired of answering. You may still show up, but you're noticing who never shows up for you. You may still help, but now you're paying attention to how you feel afterward. You may still say yes, but the yes doesn't feel the same anymore.

09:36And that's where somebody can misread you because they're looking at your behavior while you're looking at the cost. She'll do it. You're thinking, "How much longer am I going to keep doing this?" And those are two completely different conversations. And eventually the person who was always available starts becoming less available. And it's not necessarily because they stopped loving everybody.

09:59No, sometimes they're simply realizing I can't keep giving from a place that is constantly leaving me depleted. And by the time everybody else notices the difference, that person may have been getting tired for a long time.

10:15That's why you have to be careful taking somebody's consistency for granted. You see, consistency does not mean unlimited capacity. Loyalty does not mean unlimited access. And love does not mean unlimited labor. Somebody can love you and still get tired of carrying you.