The Dark Side of Dismissive Avoidant Attachment – Transcript

00:00One of the biggest misconceptions about dismissive avoidance is that they're calm, they're independent, emotionally unaffected, cool, calm, collected. But reality is, underneath the surface, they're anything but. They are filled with fear, anxiety, and shame. Fear of vulnerability, fear of depending on someone, fear of needing someone, the fear of truly being seen.

00:28And when relationships begin to become emotionally real, and they feel emotionally real to the dismissive avoidant, that's when the dark side really begins to appear. And they do absolutely have a dark side. That dark side can leave their partner feeling confused and devastated. It can be soul-crushing.

00:48You see, the dark side is driven by fear, not confidence. They appear to be confident in many cases on the surface. Some don't, but many do. There's a charm, a charisma. They can seem magnetic.

01:02But that is actually a mask. Many of them truly wear a mask to hide their emotions, to hide their inner shame. And shame is the core wound, defectiveness. You see, in reality, they're emotionally self-protective, emotionally self-focused. Intimacy by their nervous system is interpreted as danger. And vulnerability is what activates that shame and the loss of control.

01:29So, where does this come from? It comes from childhood. This is a person that was emotionally neglected in a profound way. Growing up in a household where you don't talk about feelings, and children are meant to be seen and not heard, that kind of mentality.

01:43But to make matters worse, they had a critical, controlling parent that was smothering, not nurturing, with high expectations. Usually a narcissistic parent, because narcissistic parents seek to get their ego boosted by the child's success, but when the child falls short, harsh, critical criticism.

02:02And what the child learns is that my emotions are a burden. They have to cater to that parent to keep that parent happy while suppressing their own feelings. So, they learn to suppress any kind of emotions, vulnerability. And they personalize the neglect at a very deep, nervous system, subconscious level, growing up to feel defective and unlovable. Defectiveness is the core wound. I'm defective. I'm not enough.

02:27I'm worthless. But rather than facing and healing that wound, what they look to do is suppress it, distract from it, seek external validation because that external validation at a surface level helps temporarily numb the feeling of shame.

02:43You see, shame is a toxic emotion. It's not the same as guilt. Guilt is a healthy emotion. If you feel guilty, it means you have a conscience. And guilt is your brain's way of saying, "I did something wrong." But if you feel guilty, you can make amends if you hurt somebody, or you could stop repeating whatever behavior that you feel guilty about. So, guilt has potential healthy resolution, but shame on the other hand is I am something wrong.

03:05And I'm defective. I'm worthless. Things like that. Shame's a toxic emotion. There's no healthy resolution to shame other than to heal it. But dismissive avoidants spend their lives running from that shame, not healing that shame. And shame is not just toxic to the person that feels it.

03:24It is often toxic to the people around them because shame motivates very unhealthy, harmful behaviors. It's the old saying, "Hurt people hurt people." So, because of this, emotional closeness, intimacy, vulnerability feels deeply unsafe to them. Their nervous system tells them, "If I lower my walls and I let my partner in, my partner's going to figure out that I'm defective.

03:47They're going to reject me, right? If I get truly seen, I will be rejected and I'll be viewed as not being enough. So, rather than risk the exposure of being truly seen, they put up these walls, and they create emotional distance when things gets gets too real.

04:04Because when it gets too real, their nervous system activates with anxiety and stress, and it almost becomes impulsive and instinctive to create distance to feel safe again and regulated again. So, because of this, they often idealize people at a distance, right? So, fantasy feels safe.

04:22Fantasizing about the perfect partner or a person, and idealizing them in a very imaginary way. Real intimacy ends up feeling threatening, but the fantasy feels safe.

04:36And long-distance relationships, for example, they feel safe because it helps control emotional distance. Crushes, having a crush on somebody feels safer than actual secure closeness. So, what happens is when a relationship starts, it's the shared fantasy with a dismissive avoidant, because their nervous system, which gets triggered by everything normal in a relationship, because everything normal in a relationship fosters and promotes emotional intimacy, which is the core

05:03fear, their nervous system hasn't tied you into the wounds yet. So, they have all these wounds around intimacy, and then there's you. But, in the beginning, there's no real emotional intimacy. You're still getting to know each other. There's no deep commitment or expectations. It's still so new and fresh. So, their nervous system hasn't been activated yet, and they're riding that dopamine rush, because you're giving them all this new novelty validation. It's exciting. It's new romance. Dopamine's the reward hormone,

05:31and it's numbing their shame. So, they're feeling good, and it feels safe enough to let these suppressed emotions out. You know, the ones they've been suppressing and running from their whole lives. So, they're pouring it onto you. It feels great to be on the receiving end of, but the thing is, it's not sustainable. This is where the dark side comes in because they deactivate when the relationship deepens, when attachment deepens, when you start to become emotionally significant, and their nervous system recognizes, "Oh, this isn't just a fantasy. This is a

05:58real relationship." Their nervous system ties you into those wounds, and once you are tied into those wounds, you become a threat. So then, the activation starts to happen, meaning they start to create emotional distance and emotionally shut down and emotionally detach before attachment gets too deep. They really struggle to bond to a partner because of those internal wounds and walls. So they become less affectionate, which is very confusing to be on the receiving end of because they were just telling you how

06:26wonderful you made them feel and nobody ever made them feel this way, and suddenly the affection just disappears without explanation. They suddenly need space. They couldn't get enough of you, but now suddenly they don't want to seem to be around any of you, right?

06:42So then, they become emotionally flat. The the the romance, the the the magic seems to just fade and die, and you're blaming yourself because they're not communicating with you about this. Communicating their feelings as a child was unsafe, so they wanted to suppress that. They just instinctively follow their nervous system, and you feel completely confused and bewildered wondering what it is that you did wrong, and this creates a lot of pain and anxiety in the person that they're in a relationship with.

07:10And what they start to do is they start to get irritated by your normal needs. And they start to hyper-focus on your flaws because this is a way of avoiding that inner shame. Their nervous system's finding a real relationship, real intimacy to feel unsafe, but self-reflecting, taking accountability for that, looking internally is too much shame because for them saying, "Hey, I have this insecurity or I did this wrong or I'm

07:36hurting this person." That becomes the emotional equivalent of confirming that defectiveness. See, I'm doing this wrong. I have this insecurity. It's proof I'm defective. Too painful. Too painful. They spent their whole lives running from that feeling, not embracing it or healing it. So, what they do is they look for your flaws because if they find your flaws, and they often will manufacture flaws, oh, you sip your coffee the wrong way, things like that.

08:01That way, they can pin their insecurities and their urge to sabotage the relationship on you, make it your fault, and if it's your fault, they don't have to look at themselves. They don't have to face or feel shame that they've been running from.

08:14And finding your needs to be irritating, again, same thing. Look at this person, they're too needy, instead of saying, I'm not willing to even meet basic relationship needs. It's all about avoiding accountability cuz accountability provokes too much shame within them.

08:30But because of this, because they don't look at themselves, they don't learn anything from any failed relationship. They learn absolutely nothing. So, they repeat the cycle with person after person after person. And the reality is they can become very emotionally punishing. This is the truly dark part.

08:48You know, they become very cold, very dismissive of your emotions, invalidating of your emotions. They withhold love. They withhold time. They withhold affection. They'll stonewall. They won't even respond to you. They won't give you answers. You're asking for clarity, they're not giving any, and they're showing zero empathy in the process. They're giving you nothing but emotional neglect at this point, some breadcrumbs, and

09:15acting like you are too much. And you know what? You're starting to feel like you're too much. You're blaming yourself. And you feel like all these all your worth is just the crumbs that they're giving you, and that's all you deserve. And your self-esteem and your self-worth starts to slowly erode and chip away because of how cold, dismissive, and invalidating they can be in the relationship.

09:36These behaviors, however, are not a reflection of you at all or your worth. They're a reflection of their insecurities and their fears around intimacy, vulnerability, truly being seen. But they seemed so great in the beginning. Again, the beginning was when their nervous system hadn't tied you into the wounds yet. But they're so charming and wonderful with other people. Yeah, they need external validation, but guess what? Outside of the romantic relationship, there's no vulnerability. So they get to put on the

10:03mask, right? And every time they get validation from people, it gives them that dopamine hit, which helps them avoid their inner shame. But it's like trying to fill a bathtub with the drain open. And no matter how much you pour in, it just pour it just dumps out, it drains out. And that's what a dismissive avoidant is trying to do. They're trying to erase their shame through external validation, surface-level validation. It doesn't work. It doesn't get rid of that shame. It doesn't heal them.

10:31Until they actually take full accountability, full ownership, commit to the things like therapy and growth, that shame will continue to sabotage relationships, cause an internal pit of emptiness that they seek to fill and heal that void through other people's surface-level validation. Again, they can't do depth. Depth feels deeply unsafe to them. So they keep relationships, whether it's romantic or friendships, at a surface level in most