Coach Ryan · Transcript · · Updated
The 7 Stages of The Avoidant Relationship Timeline: How They Go From OBSESSED to COLD – Transcript
Video by Coach Ryan · Watch the original on YouTube
Summary
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- The dismissive avoidant relationship timeline starts with a safe beginning and a shared fantasy before attachment deepens and expectations emerge.
- As the relationship becomes more real, the dismissive avoidant experiences the first deactivation and begins pulling away.
- The timeline continues through devaluation and emotional shutdown before culminating in either a brutal discard or a roommate dynamic where they stay.
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Transcript
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One of the most confusing things about dating a dismissive avoidant is how the person that acts like they can barely tolerate you is the same person that was obsessed with you just 6 months prior. They couldn't get enough of you. They couldn't keep your their hands off of you. The sex felt out of this world.
You felt so desired and craved by this person. And they even told you stuff about how nobody had ever made them feel the way that you do. You felt so wanted, so chosen, so close and connected. But suddenly now this person acts like you are completely insufferable.
Keep in mind, they pursued you. They texted you constantly. You know, they talked about the future and they made plans with you. They were definitely the pursuer. And you felt wanted, chosen, and desired. But then something really changed. Something changed and suddenly you're too much. You're too dramatic.
They need space. They're overwhelmed. You're being too pushy, too clingy, and suddenly they don't really know what they want. And you are just trying to wrap your head around the complete 180 and trying to figure out what exactly that you did wrong. But in reality it's following actually a very predictable timeline.
So in this video what I'm really going to do here is I'm going to walk you through what happens. I'm going to walk you through the timeline from the initial obsession all the way through the deactivation and then the devaluation and then potentially and likely the brutal, soul-crushing discard that often comes at the end. And believe it or not the discard often isn't the worst ending. Sometimes the worst ending is that they stay and we'll get into that, too.
So stage number one, the safe beginning. It is the shared fantasy. And the reason it's called the shared fantasy is because it is a fantasy to the dismissive avoidant. It's not a real relationship yet. Their nervous system has not tied you in with their attachment wounds. They have a very specific set of attachment wounds that stem from childhood. To put it in a very simple nutshell, this is a person that was emotionally neglected in a profound
way. Their emotional needs were not met at all as children. The They did not grow up in a household where you talk about feelings, quite the opposite. You don't talk about feelings, you stuff it and put on a happy face.
But, it's not just the neglect cuz I hear all the time, "Ryan, I grew up with emotional neglect and I'm not a dismissive avoidant." It's not just the neglect. There's also a critical, controlling parent or caretaker.
Keyword, critical. A parent that shames them for having needs and feelings. So, what they quickly learn is that it's not safe to be vulnerable. It's not safe to have needs. They're Nobody shows them how to process emotions or to to communicate or to deal with stress. It wasn't welcome, so they learn to suppress it. Stuff it down. Don't have feelings. Don't be vulnerable. Don't have needs. And because of this, they do
not develop emotionally. They stay arrested at around 7, 8, 9 years old in age emotionally. Yes, they grow intellectually, emotionally they do not grow because there was never any safe outlet to do so.
Uh they develop the emotional capacity of a garden snail, quite frankly. And in addition to this, they personalize the neglect growing up to feel defective and unlovable. Like, there's just something inherently wrong with them, that they're broken. And they're they can't be fixed, and they're just inherently worthless deep down. And this wound of defectiveness drives everything. One, they have no out way to process emotions. They They don't have the capacity to deal with emotions. They
can't deal with their own emotions, let alone the emotions of the partner. And they have this wound of defectiveness. And their nervous system tells them, "If I lower my walls and I let my partner in, my partner's going to see that I'm defective. They're going to figure out that I'm worthless, and they're going to reject me." So, closeness to them means shame. It means rejection. It means being exposed for being defective. So, [snorts] emotional closeness, unsafe. Everything normal in
a relationship, like communication, conflict resolution, commitment, vulnerability, intimacy, both physical and emotional, um [snorts] future planning, meeting the family, emotional expression, all that stuff promotes emotional intimacy, which they can't do. So, everything normal in a relationship triggers them.
Uh emotional distance feels safe to them because if you're at an emotional distance, if you're not too close, you can't figure them out. Meaning, you won't be able to figure out that they're defective. But in the beginning, it feels safe because they're still getting to know you. There's no threat of deep emotional intimacy. You're still new to each other.
And there's no deep expectations. You're still new to each other. You don't know each other. There's no deep vulnerability. You're still new to each other. And yet, expectations are a big trigger, too, because that critical controlling parent or caretaker put heavy demands and expectations on them and only gave them love, {quote} {unquote}, based on meeting and exceeding those expectations that were hard to reach. So, even the bare minimum of expectations in a relationship feels insurmountable to them. Their nervous
system tells them, "I will fail to meet any expectations. I will disappoint my partner. They'll figure out I'm defective, and they will reject me." So, closeness feels unsafe. In the beginning, it feels safe. And keep in mind, you're dealing with an emotional child. And just like a child on Christmas day opening up that shiny new toy, you are the new toy. There's tons of dopamine. You're a new source of validation. It's infatuation.
You're making them feel good. They're getting dopamine, the reward hormone, and and and that dopamine numbs and helps suppress and avoid all the negative emotions like defectiveness, shame, that they're trying not to feel. So, you are a novelty. You're new. You're exciting, and it feels safe to them.
But, the thing is, just like a a kid, you know, the new with a a shiny new toy, the newness wears off. And when your newness wears off, you aren't exciting a novel anymore. You You're You're You're not, you know, safe anymore because now there's real expectations and things like that. But, in the beginning, it's a fantasy. Their nervous system hasn't tied you into the wounds, and they're stepping into the fantasy role as their fantasy selves being the person they
wished they could be. So, in this in this area in this part of the the relationship, there's constant texting, there's long dates, passionate sex, intense chemistry, vulnerability that surprises you, but keep in mind it's often not real vulnerability because there's no deep intimacy. And when they talk about their past, notice how they talk about it. They don't talk about how it made them feel or how they feel about it. They They talk about it
like they're reciting it from a history textbook. There's It's phony vulner- vulnerability. It's usually not real true vulnerability because vulnerability feels deeply unsafe to them. Future fantasizing and including you in their future, their future faking. Um I've never connected with someone like this before. You know, and they're putting you on a pedestal because dismissive avoidants have this fantasy of the perfect partner, the perfect partner, the the one.
And the perfect partner that they fantasize about is a person that has no needs, no expectations, a person that doesn't require anything of them, a person that does not ask for consistency, a person that never challenges [clears throat] them, a person that never gets angry with them, a person that never disagrees with them, a person that keeps it light and surface level all the time, that never asks for depth, a person that doesn't question them when they disappear for days, a
person that validates them on their terms when they want it and expects absolutely nothing in return. That perfect partner would be the magical one that never triggers any of their attachment wounds. It doesn't exist. But that's the fantasy easy relationship that they're always in pursuit of. That's why they always say, you know, dismissive avoidance will say, "It should be easy." Well, real relationships aren't easy. There There's work, right? It's real life. And anybody
that says a relationship should be easy has no emotional intelligence. But this is the fantasy, right? The perfect validating partner. By the way, that fantasy of the perfect partner helps them keep one foot out the door in every relationship because if there's someone better out there, why would you go all in with your current partner?
It's a It's a It's a way to keep emotional distance because they're fantasizing about this magical person that doesn't exist. So that way they don't have to commit with their current partner. But in the beginning, you are that person. They have convinced themselves that you are the perfect partner. You're the one.
They put you on a pedestal because it does feel easy because there's no expectations. There's no accountability needed. There's no intimacy, no deep intimacy. It's all new and exciting and they think they finally got it right this time.
But here's the thing. They're not necessarily faking the honeymoon stage. They They They They They believe that this is real, right? Because they have no self-awareness. Self-reflection, looking inward is something they just quite simply do not do. Because looking inward, analyzing themselves, looking at their own wounds and insecurities and shortcomings would mean facing the shame and defectiveness.
Their entire nervous system is wired to avoid uncomfortable, to avoid any internal discomfort. So, they develop something called an external locus of control. A person with an internal locus of control, and essentially means power of control. A person with an internal locus of control knows that they are responsible for their own choices, their own behaviors, their own emotions. A person with an external locus of control believes that other people and other things are responsible for their choices, their
feelings, and their behaviors. Because if it's always somebody else's fault, there's never a reason to look inward, which means they never have to face that shame. See, to a dismissive avoidant, taking accountability and saying, "Hey, I did this wrong." or "I have this shortcoming." is the emotional equivalent of confirming that defectiveness. "I did this wrong." is proof I'm defective. Too painful. They develop the subconscious mindset of I must be perfect or I am worthless. So, they avoid, that's what they do. They
avoid. They avoid themselves by never self-reflecting. That's why they learn nothing from every failed relationship because it's always somebody else's fault, and that's why they stay at the same emotional age their entire lives unless they make the difficult decision to try and heal and grow and face themselves.
But, here's the thing. To them, it feels real, but the problem is it it it it is that they don't have the capacity to sustain it, and they often really don't know the difference between love and infatuation. Because healthy love is also that choice, that choice you make every day to choose your person, to choose them, to choose to prioritize them, to choose to empathize with them, to choose them, to choose to love them.