The Avoidant Playbook: How They Think and Why They Behave This Way – Transcript

00:00If you've ever been in a relationship with or dated a dismissive avoidant, you've probably asked yourself questions like, "Why do they breadcrumb? Why do they change after the 6-month mark? Why are they hot and cold? Why do they pull away after intimacy? Why is the early dating version of them so much different than the version that shows up later? Why do they shut down during conflict?

00:26Why do they suddenly just lose feelings? And one of the most frustrating parts of this is that the behavior seems so contradictory. One moment it feels like they can't get enough of you. They're all into you. And the next moment, they're emotionally unavailable saying they just need space.

00:44And you're wondering, is it you? Did you do something wrong? Did you trigger them? Did Were you too much? Were you too needy? What if I told you it's actually a pattern, a very predictable pattern? It's something I call the avoidant playbook, and I'm going to break it down here for you. Now, to understand why they behave the way they do, you have to understand the core wound.

01:04Now, the wound is what drives all of this behavior. Most dismissive avoidants don't wake up one day and suddenly decide consciously that they don't want intimacy. Their nervous system rejects it.

01:18See, they learned early in life that being vulnerable wasn't safe. Having needs wasn't safe. They grew up in a household where there was profound emotional neglect, profound. The kicker is they often don't even know it because their basic needs were met. Food, clothing, shelter, college paid for, first car paid for, both parents still together. So, on the surface, everything looks great and it looks like they have a wonderful childhood.

01:44But, beneath that is a house where you don't talk about feelings. And where the real damage is done is from a critical, controlling, often narcissistic parent that rejects, dismisses, and invalidates their feelings.

01:59You see, this narcissistic parent puts heavy demands and expectations on the kid as when they're a child. And they only give the them love based on meeting and exceeding those expectations, but expectations that they struggle to meet. You see, narcissistic parents, they get their ego stroked by proxy through the kid, so they put heavy demands on the kid. And when the kid succeeds, he it's really all about the narcissist. For example, if I'm the narcissistic parent and my kid hits the

02:27winning home run in the baseball game, look at my kid. My kid just hit the winning home run. My kid's amazing because I'm amazing. And because I'm amazing, my kid's amazing. You see, as the narcissistic parent, I make it all about me. But what happens if he strikes out instead of hitting the home run?

02:44Ah, you're useless. You're pathetic. You're terrible. You're worthless. See, because I didn't get my ego stroked, so here comes the rejection and the shame. This creates a very deep core wound. And what happens is the kid learns that they have to cater to the needs and the emotions of the narcissistic parent while suppressing their own. So, they learn emotional suppression.

03:05They were parentified. They're put into a role where they had to step up and regulate the parent's emotions, sometimes also having to be a caretaker in other situations, too. But they learn that they have to suppress their own emotions and needs because those aren't welcome. They learn their emotions are a burden. It's not safe to have needs.

03:22So, they learn emotional suppression as a coping skill. And because of this, they develop the emotional capacity of a garden snail. They have zero emotional capacity. No one ever showed them how to process emotions. No one ever showed them how to communicate about their feelings and needs. It wasn't safe to have them, so they just suppress it.

03:41But the thing is, they also personalize this environment at a very deep nervous system subconscious level. And that personalization results in the wound of defectiveness. They feel defective. I'm defective. I'm worthless.

03:55I'm broken. There's something wrong with me and I can't be fixed. And this is why intimacy and actually every normal part of a relationship is deeply triggering to them. Every normal part. One, they have the emotional capacity of a garden snail. They cannot handle conflict, communication, need express themselves, have needs. They can't do any of them.

04:18But the thing is, too, their nervous system, their fears, their wounds tell them, "If I lower my walls and I let my partner in and I get vulnerable and they see the real me, they're going to see that I'm defective. They're going to see that I am worthless. They're going to see there's something wrong with me. They're not going to like what they see and they're going to reject me." So, closeness to them means rejection, shame. And it also means losing their autonomy, losing their independence because that's what the narcissistic parent did to them.

04:45They learned that anybody you get close to, like that controlling, critical, narcissistic parent, is going to smother you, control you, reject you, and shame you. So, that's what they associate intimacy with. But because of all these wounds, they really don't have a great sense of self. They've suppressed themselves. They've learned to people-please. That's how they had to get validation from the narcissistic parent.

05:07And they really rely heavily on external validation. They have no process to internally validate themselves. They have no process to process emotions, either. So, they need external validation, but they can only do it on a surface level because they were never shown how to be vulnerable, communicate.

05:25Depth makes them feel deeply unsafe. So, they have their feelings dismissed, in a nutshell. They had emotionally unavailable parents. Typically, one parent is a dismissive-avoidant themselves, the other one is narcissistic. Both emotionally unavailable. They were shamed for having needs and they learned that depending on people leads to disappointment. So, they learned to depend on nobody. They adapted. They became self-reliant, independent, emotionally shut down.

05:51And the message that they internalized was, I can only depend on myself and I can't open up to anybody. So, the in reality, the avoidant isn't running from love. They're They're actually running from the anxiety that love creates and they're running from the emotional exposure that love represents.

06:11You see, this is this is the conundrum. They crave intimacy, but they can't do intimacy. They're the relationship equivalent of a bulimic due to their wounds. See, a bulimic person craves being full. So, they binge. They binge on, right?

06:25Binge binge binge binge binge cuz they're so hungry. But then they start to get full, they purge before they allow themselves to experience actual fullness. Dismissive avoidants, they crave intimacy. They binge on it. Binge binge binge binge binge, you know, in the early dating phase in the shared fantasy.

06:41But when it gets real and they're starting to get full of actual intimacy, when they're starting to experience it, they purge to avoid actually feeling it. So, they crave intimacy, but they never allow themselves to experience it in the same way that a bulimic never allows themselves to feel full.

06:58So, here's the thing. Why do they come on so strong in the beginning? Because you know, they really do seem all in in the beginning and many of them are big-time love bombers, right? They They're texting consistently. They're talking affectionately. They're talking about the future. They're excited. Uh the the you know, the physical intimacy is out of this world. And then it changes, but nothing bad happened. So, what gives?

07:25The answer is simple. In the beginning, it's a fantasy. That's why it's called the shared fantasy in the beginning phase of a relationship with a dismissive avoidant or a fearful avoidant that leans heavily dismissive. And that's because their nervous system hasn't tied you into the wounds yet. In the beginning, they have all these wounds around intimacy, right? And they get triggered by everything normal in a relationship. You know, emotional intimacy, physical intimacy, conflict, conflict resolution, communication,

07:51future plans, commitment, vulnerability, emotional expression. All of it triggers them because all that fosters and promotes emotional intimacy, which is the core fear, the core trigger. But, their nervous system hasn't tied you into those wounds yet because it's early. It's novelty. It's an escape.

08:09It's exciting. They're getting dopamine, the reward hormone. Dopamine is what causes infatuation. Dismissive avoidants tend to be dopamine chasers because that dopamine helps them suppress and avoid the emotions and the shame that they don't want to feel. They've been running from emotions their whole lives. A distraction here, an escape there because those distractions and escapes help them suppress their emotions and avoid feeling the discomfort. Their nervous system becomes hardwired to avoid feeling any internal discomfort. But, in

08:37the beginning, you are like that shiny new toy. They're feasting on you. Your validation is amazing. They're loving how you're making them feel. It is a fantasy. It's a romance novel, a fairy tale, a rom-com. It is not a real relationship yet because they're still getting to know you. There's no deep intimacy. It's still new.

08:56And there's no deep commitment. It's still new. It is a fantasy. But, once the fantasy starts to become reality, life events happen that really signal to them that, "Ooh, this isn't just a fantasy anymore. This is a real relationship with real needs, real vulnerability, real intimacy, and real accountability."

09:15Their nervous system ties you into the wounds. And then now you become a source of the trigger. And this is where deactivation will start to happen, where they start to instinctively create emotional distance between you and them to feel safe again because now they're feeling unsafe. And their nervous system is on fire with anxiety.

09:32In the beginning, it's a fantasy, it's exciting. Now, it's a real relationship. And you know, that it is now danger. Their limbic system is is on fire with anxiety, cortisol, the stress hormone. And it's telling them, "Danger, danger, danger." And the way that they regulate is not through closeness, it's not through communication, it is through distance. When the relationship becomes real, it is when everything changes.

09:59When feelings start to actually develop, vulnerability increases, expectations increase, the stakes increases. Well, now it feels like a danger, it no longer feels fun. And their nervous system is sounding the alarm. So, they shut it all down. They suppress those emotions, they suppress their feelings, just like they've learned to do to stay safe in childhood, they're doing it here.