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Dan Vs. - The Salvation Armed Forces – Transcript
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Summary
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- Dan discovers that his parked car was towed and donated to the Salvation Armed Forces charity organization.
- Dan enlists Chris to help him infiltrate the Salvation Armed Forces by purchasing a chair from Greatwill.
- Dan and Chris launch an attack involving a rival charity organization and dogs to retrieve Dan's car.
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You know what I like to addhere? A little cinnamon. lt makes everything better. Icecream, pancakes, even liver. Hmm...
Is that really necessary? Can't believe I have tobuy a new toaster... Stupid firefighters. Thank you, sir. You are verygenerous, sir.
What was that? Never mind. I don't havetime for you. How can you be outof toasters?! Forget it. I will takemy business elsewhere.
We sell toasters. Don't talk to me! Where's my car?Where's my car? Did my car get towed? No, sir. It'ssafely on its way. On its way where? Ah! Eagle Rock I think! We appreciate your donationof your automobile. Donation? I just parked itthere for five minutes!
In our donation area, sir. I did not want to donate myvehicle. Oh. Really? Whoops. That's all you have to say tome? Whoops? You stole my car!
I said, "Whoops." And in mydefense, no one would want to keep a vehicle like that. Who are you? What's withthe stupid outfit? Are you part of somestrangely-dressed ring of car thieves? No,sir. I'm in theSalvation Armed Forces. Sir! I don't even knowwhere Salvatia is!
Why is the United Statesmilitary allowing you to operate onour sovereign soil? And what gives you the rightto commandeer my vehicle? Sir, you obviouslydon't understand. Give me my car! Remove your hands from myperson immediately, sir.
What are you gonna do about it? Now, listen here, you- Oof! SALVATION ARMED FORCES!!!
Do not test me, sir. I aced hand-to-handcombat training in Salvation boot camp. Bet you're not so toughwithout that bell. Hello, there! Howmay I help you? There's been a mistake.
My car was taken fromoutside your store today. Oh, that's impossible. We havereceived only one donated vehicle today, and it wasnot in drivable condition. That's the one.I need it back. I'm sorry, sir, alldonations are final. But it wasn't a donation! I'm sure it makes you feel good to know that you'rehelping the needy.
I'm needy! I needy my car!You needy to give it back! Please calm down. You're causing a disturbance andupsetting the other customers. You haven't seen me causea disturbance, lady. Yet.
Is that a threat? The alarm bell! Hey! Ow!Stop that! I don't see how I can hope to win against that kindof military might...
I need backup. Hello? We are an occupied-Wait, Elise? Yes, Dan. Usually Chrisanswers the phone. He's at the store rightnow, buying a swimsuit. For our vacation. He'll have to cancel. I didn't authorize a vacation.
Luckily, our travel plans don'tneed authorization from a barking malcontent. There's no call for thatkind of rudeness. Look, Dan, we have a lot ofpreparations to make for our trip, and I don't want Chrisgetting wrapped up in any funny business. Funny business?! We'rean occupied territory!
A foreign army isencamped on our soil! What foreign army? The Salvation Armed Forces! The Salvation Armed Forcesare a charity organization. Don't tell me you've fallenfor their thinly-veiled ruse!
"Oh, look, a big wooden horse! Wouldn't it look great insideour fortified city!" "Why don't we bring it insidethe walls and leave it unguarded overnight?" Hello? Hello? You don't hangup on me!
I hang up on you! Hello? Some people are so rude. Hello? Don't talk to Elise today. She has obviouslylost her mind. She seemed fine this morning.
Look, are you going to abandonyour country in a time of need? Uh... no? Exactly. So get over here.They must be stopped. Elise can be an ostrich ifshe wants. Not me, pal. I'm confused. What arewe talking about?
Foreign armies! Nationalsecurity! Okay, I'm gonna go. Wait. I need a ride. I'm supposed to be packingfor our vacation. Come on, I'm stuck here!My car's been stolen! I'd do it for you. What about last yearwhen my car was stolen, and you didn't pick me up.
That was different! Itwas overcast. That guy knows twelve waysto kill a man with a bell.
Wow, I only know....one. So you said yourcar's been stolen? Yes. By the SalvationArmed Forces. Really? I thought theyhelped people. You are so naive. We need tohurt them, and get my car back.
Uh, yeah. I'd like to help... And you will. ...but Elise and I aregoing on vacation, and there's a lot to do. Sorry. You are not a good American. I happen to thinkI'm a very good American. Look, just help me figureout how to infiltrate their organization. You could go in and buysomething.
Like a customer? Yes, much like a customer. They're the enemy! I don't wantto support them financially. Can I drop you off at home? Of course not! I need to buy a swimsuit. I don't want to have torent one again. I am not getting outof your car until you figure out how I can infiltrate the Salvation Armed Forces.
Huh. What was that?Was that your "I have an idea" huh or your "I'm hungry again"huh? I didn't know I had morethan one "huh." Huh. Never mind, what'syour big idea? Trust me. What's this?
Another charity organization. So that's your plan. We turnthem against each other. Start a war.... I like it. Mangled bodies of charityworkers scattered all over theplace. The streets willrun red with blood!
The plan is we'regonna buy a chair. Oh. That's good,too. Welcome to Greatwill. I guess. Are you okay? I just realized that all menare mortal, and I am a man, and therefore I ammortal. It's like, Pssh.
Pfft. You know? Yeah, that's... We'relooking for a chair. That chair's, like,fifty dollars. That's a little more thanI wanted to spend. If this is for myrevenge against the Salvation Armed Forces, priceis no object. Now pay him.
Wait, the Salvation ArmedForces? The competition? I hate those guys. Think they're socool with those fancy uniforms. All I get is a blue apron, andI'm a autumn. They stole my car. I am going to make them pay.
And apparently I needthis chair to do it. Just take it, dude. Nothing matters anymore, anyway. Let's go. Wait, I need to buy a swimsuit. No time! So what's the plan? Chris, what are you doing?Are you all packed?
Almost. I Just have tofinish stitching up this chair, and call the SalvationArmed Forces to come get it. Dare I ask why? It's for Dan. After this Ican concentrate on getting ready for our vacation. Don't waste too much timehelping Dan. We have a lot todo.